Bridget Jones on Holiday
by savvytruffle
Summary: Title is not the most creative thing. Anyway Bridget is spending break with her family in a small cottage in Northern England. And. Well. It's Bridget.
1. Mad, mad Mad

**Authors Note:** just a little attempt on Bridget Jones after being avid fan for some time. Tried to make everyone stay in character, however knowledge of England/Great Britain is limited. Agh. 

_Do not claim for any ownership of anything._

**~Tuesday, May 27~**

119 lbs(surely not normal for females under 5'3"? Gah. GAHH!), Calories 2000 as have just consumed flabbergasting amount of chocolate, truffles, etc., Relaxing moments during holiday with family 0, point of having holiday with family 0, point of holiday 0, point of traveling to Northern England for holiday 0, point of pointing these things out 0. 

**8:34am. In cabin in middle of nowhere in Northern England.** Gaah. Cannot believe it. Have just ate two 12 by 12 box-full of chocolates. Cannot close zipper on waist anymore. Only natural since family gone off to mad walk in rain and cold in Northern England. On way out of door Dad mutters about finding inner-self while Mum coax him off brandy at 8 in morning. Have realized family truly mucked up. 

Have not talked to Jude or Shaz for ages, therefore have not informed them of James: frustrating family-friend of Mum's old chum's sister. Cannot believe Mum vowed to share cabin/house/pig-pen with them. Actually think Mum fancies Paul, James' Dad. Can see why. Paul has v. sweet dreamy face with droopy, sleepy, just-woke-up piercing (is v. contradicting) blue eyes. However sagginess is v. bothering. Just below chin is extra 3 pounds of fat flopping down from perfect-shaped chin. James on other hand has minute head. Thin lips, thin eyebrows, thin hair, thin, long, long body. Wonder if have thin…? Anyways. Do not care. Also v. alarmed as head have gone bald prematurely. 

James', that is. Not self. 

Wonder- GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

**8:55am.** Where the fuck did he come from? Thought was alone in bathroom-sized living room. Then James pops in face out of nowhere and screamed like mad because 1) face was in hideous state of red and orange zits and 2) was afraid James was trying to lick nose. Told him to piss off, for was not in mood to put up with such antics. Also roof of cabin keeps dripping in mad pace. 

**8:57am.** Everything is mad here. Mad house. Mad roof. Mad people. Mad sofa (kept attempting to swallow me alive when sat down. Surely is not result of plumpness?) 

**8:58am.** And Mad weather.

**8:59am.** Mad, mad, mad, mad, mad.

**9:00am.** Cannot believe am going to spend 16th birthday in Mad place. If this is where life is going should just- GAH! GAH! 

James keeps casually stroll in room while twisting neck at odd angle to spy on what am writing. Bastard. 

Ugh. Cannot stand any moment of this anymore. I know. Shall eat some cheese. 

**9:30am.** Still in Mad Cabin. GAAH! WHO MADE THESE THINGS 130 CALORIES? DON'T THEY KNOW PEOPLE CONSUME THEM IN DOZENS? GAH GAH GAH. 

**10:00am.** Fucking James keeps saying, "How is Jude and Shagger?" But just threw him nasty glare and have shutted up. Will not stand another moment of miscalling Shazzer.  

**1:00pm.** Mad. 

Where is everyone? Even James gone. Bloody family abandoned self. Gah. Zits forming on each side of cheek.

Face cheek.

**1:05pm.** Why? Why me?

**1:35pm.** Hurrah! Hear door jingling. Family have not disowned but came back to retrieve self! 

**1:40pm.** Was just Mum. Waltzing in room with feather duster as if TV maid. Grr. Grr. Why do mother's do these things? Asking you what's the matter when they obviously know the answer. Finally reluctantly muttered to Mum had two enormous zits growing on each side of cheek. Could not believe Mum's response: You don't have tits spurting out of the sides of your cheeks, darling. 

Just then realized James was in room whole time and had listened to whole conversation for suddenly were fits of laughter and pounding on tabletops. 

Hmph. Was Mum's fault anyway. 

Think will have more cheese. 


	2. Civilization!

**~Wednesday, May 28~**

118 lbs (yes! Have theory: cheese help diet!), chocolate units: impossible to recall (surely one cannot get drunk off dark chocolate?), no. of zits on forehead 3, no. of zits on cheeks 2, no. of zits all together 5, no. of times tried to rationalize with self involving odd behavior from Mum: countless. 

**11:54am. **Have come up with perfectly normal explanation for Mum's odd interpretation of language yesterday. You see, was trying to impress Paul. 

Though he was not there. 

Perhaps was trying to impress James, the, the son of Paul? Surely own Mother is not… No. Of course not.

But then again…  
No.

But Mum did sort of run off with next door neighbour to America, which she had insisted she was only going for a little "vacay". Was great relief when stopped using Americanized words and phrases such as "no way Jose" etc when told her to get rid of hideous sunglasses in manner of Elton John. 

Anyway mustn't worry. Today Mum finally snapped out of this Tarzan and Jane approach at living in wilderness. Ran out of room with Mad afro-hair as had not put on rollers in properly and starts shouting at Dad about going to clinic with telephone withdrawal. At last! Can talk to Jude and Shaz in matter of minutes! Hurrah! Hurrah!

**4:43pm. In supposed bedroom-box. **Was great except for Mum's intrusion. 

Jude picked up in sheep-innocent voice, "Hello. Jude here, may I please take a message for Sharon as she is busy having sex with the Prime Minister." (Turns out Jude was over Shaz's house.) Hears sniggering in background. 

"Jude!" I shout in enthusiasm as have not talked with Jude since day left house.

Small pause, then in uncertain tone she said, "…. Bridget?" Thought for moment was doomed. Had finally made friends and now they had forgotten all about self. Started nodding before realizing was on phone. 

Before could reply, however, Shaz's voice rang out on the other line, "Bridge, how are you! Sorry 'bout Jude over here. She's read some pagan book and concluded you were assassinated by some Mad rapist man. Christ, you should've seen her face when she heard you."

Was greatly relieved and had nice chat with Shaz before asking her to put Jude on again. Another lovely conversation with Jude (with Shaz bellowing some, to be frank, downright frightening Frank Sinata.) Anyway both Jude and Shaz sympathized about James greatly. At last had to get off when Mum said in odd-high-pitched voice, "Darling, could you hurry up a bit? Una's waiting for my call." 

"But I thought you told everyone to leave messages at home because the place we were going is still young and fresh and not touched by the awful industry, and that we were intending to keep it that way?" I said, confused.

"Darling, don't be so inquisitive!" Mum continues in strangled-voice, "Of course I may call if it is during an emergency."

"What?" I asked, bewildered. 

"An emergency, darling. Emergency. Anyway I must tell Una about my clinic idea. Say bye-bye to Jude and Sharon!" With that she took phone from me. 

Cannot believe Mum. 

**10:00pm. Room.** Eaten more cheese. Should really write book about art of dieting. Can see self years from now. Cool. Poised. Thin. Zit-free. With boyfriend/fiancée. Professional career woman. 

**10:05pm. Still in room. **Should really call Magda. Right. First thing tomorrow will suggest Mom for another call to Una. 


	3. Chocolates, cheese, cookies etc

**~Thursday, May 29~**

Weightless, actually do not know where self is so do not have scale, chocolate units: too early. Gaah braindead. 

**4:00am. Don't know. Just woke up. **Gaah where am…? Why is everything smooth and hard instead of. Oh Christ. Bloody Christ. Have been sleeping in bathtub. 

Cannot believe this. Have not sleepwalked since saw Psycho. How- GAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

**10:23am. In own room (huge relief.) **Just woke up from own bed. Comforting though was disappointed was not in… Right. 

Who the fuck wakes up at 4 in the morning to take a daily toilet-break anyway? Was lying in bath bewildered when door suddenly springs open and James stands in doorway. Took one good look at me and started screaming in mad fit. Not that fancy James McKenzie or anything, but is v. discomforting when deformed immature male scream at sight of face. 

Then starts demanding why was in bath at 4 in morning. Asked him why he was coming here at ungodly hour in morning. Was small awkward pause, then he mumbles embarrassingly, "I come to the shrine everyday at 4." 

Christ alive.

Could not think of a thing to say. So managed to croak, "Um… well. I am… app- pleased to see your… um… dedication and promptness."

For moment thought James was about to cry. Felt v. bad so began launching v. long speech dealing with odd unimaginable surreal habits of self, "Oh it's nothing. It's. Um. I came here to um… Don't worry. I'm worse than you. You see, I have to come everyday at… varying times depending on the weather to go to the toilets."

Was aghast at what self had just said. James looked just as, if not more, appalled. 

"Um… that is… groovy." He said less embarrassingly but more awkwardly. (Realize is v. awkward subject since is dealing with individual habits.) Then paused. Was sitting there proud of self for cheering him up by wild/mad talk. Grin was wiped off face in a second when he continues, "Except I think you misunderstood. I was talking about my Beatles and Bridgette Bardot shrine behind the small closet." 

GAHHHH. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

James starts talking more rapidly, "Not that I will think of you differently or anything. No, no. I fully respect you and your… individualism. In fact I look upon you with a complete new aspect. From a different… light." By then he looked more amused than anything.

Then dawned to me, he's making fun of me. Pushed self out of bathtub in manner of military precision and dashed out of stupid fucking bathroom before a first tear slid off left cheek. 

Bastard. Bloody Bastard. Am so upset have been swinging in and out past present tense. Bloody cheeky fucking bastard. Hate him, hate him. I HATE HIM!!!!!!!!!

**2:00pm. On way out to civilization where can phone Jude, Shaz, and Magda. **Bloody cheek. 

**3:23pm. On phone. **Just dialed Shaz's number. 

**3:24pm. **Someone bloody pick up. 

**3:25pm. **Hmph. No one answered. Anyway, just tried Jude's.

**3:26pm. **No one's answering…. AHA!

**3:27pm. **Cannot believe it. Jude and Shaz out on shopping spree. Fuck, fuck. Fucking holiday. Hate holidays with immature boys. Ss

**3:29pm. **Trying Magda. Yes! She picked up!!!!!

"Magda! Hello! How are you?" I cry out, about to initiate a full complaint about James.

"Bridget! Hi! I'm so glad you called! Anyway, I must tell you this before I forget, my memory isn't what it used to be." Honestly. Magda make herself sound as if was old maid. "Anyway, I just wanted to tell you WHAT'S YOUR WILLY DOING OUTSIDE YOUR PANTS???"

"WHAT?!" I exploded. 

"No no!! Not you! YES YOU! WILLY IN PANTS RIGHT NOW!"

"Magda, what are you do…?" 

"NO! NO TOUCHING OTHER PEOPLE'S WILLIES!"

"Magda."

"Jesus Christ," Magda cried, "hang on Bridget. I'm really sorry. But." Was huge intake of breath on phone then hears Magda shouting in background, "KEEP YOUR WILLY TO YOURSELF!"

Some odd screeching. Then, "I DON'T CARE IF IT LOOKS HAPPIER THAN YOURS. YOU DON'T TOUCH OTHER PEOPLE'S WILLIES!" Last part was said so loud had to bring phone two feet away from ears. 

Christ almighty what is Magda doing?

Was about to give up when suddenly hears swish sound then Magda breathing, "Sorry about that, Bridge. I'm babysitting for the Underwoods. Oh god. What are they doing now? Look I'm really sorry, Bridget, but I've got to go. Have a nice holiday!"

Gah. Cannot believe Magda has abandoned me for perverted 5 year olds. Right. Think day is enough of excuse to consume large quantities of chocolates, cheese, cookies etc etc. 


	4. Misunderstanding

**Author's Note: It's been a while since I've updated. Summer finally came! Haha. **

**~Friday, May 30~**

119 lbs (Gaah!! GAHH!! NO!!! Must eat more cheese. Trouble is already stuffed self with stringed ones.), no. of times tried Magda's number and got farting sound instead of normal "hello." constant, chocolate units 2 small pieces (v.g), no. of times contemplated barging in James' room demanding to see secret lacy panties: frightening amount as thinks is drag queen in secret.

**11:32am. In Mad Room. **Am disgusted at self for crying in front of James. Am poised. Am cool. Am 16. Anyway he and his family are off on fishing trip. Ha! Scary decaying gurus sitting cross-legged waiting for stupid fish to eat worms. Heard in Florida in US people get eaten by sharks? When he comes back with shark bite in arm will laugh arse off. Surely will be massive amounts of sharks waiting for innocent fishermen in river?

Um… Oh wait. Sharks live in saltwater. 

Hmph. 

**11:56am. **Still scheming James doom. I know. Will casually walk into room (James') and… and… AND DISCOVER TRUTH ABOUT HIM!!!!!!

**12:00pm. **Hmph. Mum keep shooting me death ray look. 

**12:43pm. At destination (In James' Room.) **Hmm… room appears to be in good shape. No messy dirt pile as previously imagined. In fact looks cleaner than self's.

**1:30pm.** Am v. disturbed when saw rows of neatly folded boxers on end of bed. Surely is not another ritual (of folding underpants?) before self? Is 7 boxers. If all under garments (am assuming is all here for otherwise must be gathering quite a collection) are here then what does he keep in his drawers? Must go find out.

GAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH IS BLACK LINGERIE IN FIRST DRAWER. GAAH GAAAH CANNOT BELIEVE IT, JAMES IS DRAG QUEEN! 

Actually should not be big surprise, why else would… Oh god. Door is jingling. Hope James is not home already. 

**2:00pm. In self room again. **Hmph. Was Mum who came in. When saw me became hysterical and launched in whole lecture about respecting people's privacy, violating law etc etc. By end think Mum lost it. Sounded as if had violated James in some way or another. 

But.

Mission was successful! Shall confront James first thing come back. Will be Smug. Maybe should go practice in front of mirror.  

**2:12pm. **Am afraid face was not meant to look Smug. Every time tried it face muscles look all clinched and tight as if self was constipated. Have –AHA! THEY'RE BACK! WILL TELL ALL TRUTH ABOUT JAMES. 

**4:00pm. Outside. **Oh god. Did not go as planned. But have gotten James into various degree of troubles. Turns out is not drag queen as had hoped, but lingerie belonged to his ex-girlfriend. Ugh. Am disgusted. Am still virgin while he has savoring memories of making love to ex-girlfriend from lingerie, though he is 18. Probably prostitution money involved here. Not fair. Am old hag. No one wants me. Wah.

**11:00pm. Mad Livingroom.** James is sulking now. HA! Serves him right. Apparently his mum found out and was just demanding why he was having sex before marriage. But also think have gotten self in trouble as his Mum keep shooting darting glares at me as if was my fault that his son broke their family tradition. Ah. They have just called his dad. Should be interesting. 

**11:20pm. **Hmph. Paul seemed a bit too chuffy. Strolled in, spotted James, and gave him hug in manner of husband and wife embracing each other in pain. Am v. disturbed by amount of manly-man-pats given by Paul. Also Paul keeps giving me haunting winks. Wonder if Wonderbra had slipped thus revealing deranged self?

**11:50pm. Bed. **Christ alive. 

Cannot believe it.

Just, CANNOT believe it.

Paul thinks have had sex with James. Said something along the lines of, "So."

I smiled, thinking he would go on. However, Paul only repeated, more loudly and some eyebrow movement, "SO."

Thinking was another family tradition so went along and frantically tried wiggling own eyebrows, raising voice and exclaimed, "SO!"

Could not believe then. Paul reached over, patted back, winked, then whispered, "So. I know he's a bit shy at first, but keep at it; he's a tiger in bed."

Cannot believe it. What was he thinking, anyway? Am controlled. Am poised. Am… ughh cannot believe it. Me. James. Gaaah. 

Surely Paul did not tell James?

Gaah life is ending. Gaaaaaaah.

**12:30am. Bed still. **Am hearing noises outside window. Perhaps is robber.

Gah. Bet is Mad rapist man coming to exterminate self. I know. Will sneak out with broom and attempt to capture/attack in manner of Superman/Spider-man.

**12:35am. Outside.** V. hard to write as is no light. Just came out of door. Am clutching broom. Do not see Mad rapist man. Do- THERE!!!


End file.
